Whoops...

     I just logged on to catch up on all the blogs and saw I haven't posted for exactly a month. To be honest, I'm sitting here and I still can't think of anything I want to write about. But I guess that's something. And as long as I'm being honest I can say I'm not the biggest fan of blogging. I understand that its a big group and we all have very different and busy schedules so blogging is a very good way of keeping in touch; but I find myself, much like right now, trying to force it. And its taking longer than usual because there are about seven gnats flying around the computer room and I've caught three but the other four are both swift and clever.
     Anyway this brings up an interesting point I've been pondering for, well, years I suppose. I like to absorb. In any group setting where more than four people are gathered I tend to sit back and soak in whatever conversation is happening. That's not to say I'm not participating. I'm just not adding anything. This may stem from growing up eight years behind three chatty sisters (I used to raise my hand at the dinner table if I wanted to say something). In high school my teachers would talk to me about not participating because I never brought books to class or took notes when they gave reviews for tests and they would give me lectures about paying attention and putting forth effort. But I got good grades because that's just how my brain works. If I take notes my brain won't remember what I wrote because it thinks, "Well it's written down now--and I could always look at it later."
     I'm not sure where this is going but it has something to do with the fact that, while I read every one of your blogs, I don't comment on them or write my own. Or how on Saturdays, I don't speak unless spoken to but I always get a lot out of the discussions. And I don't think its a self-confidence thing because, quite frankly, everything I say is solid gold. In light of that, I'm gonna bless you with one more paragraph that'll bring all this nonsense to a head.
     My dad used to read Proverbs to me before bed. Over and over. He'd finish it and then start over. And only one idea stands out in my memory from those readings: talking too much is foolish. It seemed like every night there would be some verse about how much better it is to pipe down rather than sound off. So I guess rather than keep typing I'd like to get your feedback on that idea. Because I like to absorb.

A More Deliberate Idleness

     Last week I typed about how I'm in an awkward in between stage where I don't really have anything to do but wait. The next morning I woke up to an email asking if I was interested in a position at Hoag Hospital as a Lab Assistant in the Microbiology Department. I said yes without hesitation, but fully understanding that my qualifications are...less than existent.
     Both of my phone interviews were atrocious. The HR people actually told me I should never use the answers I gave in any interview--ever. But they still put me through to an in-person interview, which I thought went well. I also learned that if by some miracle they did give me the job, I would be in way over my head.
     So I've been having a very productive, very continuous talk with God about why He's advanced me so far in this interview process, because if one thing is certain, I didn't get this far by merit. And I keep getting this nagging feeling that I have but to ask Him for the position and He'd give it to me. But I haven't. Because if the last few years have taught me anything, it's that I truly have no idea what's best for me. So I'm gonna let Him decide, and if He thinks I'd flourish there--cool. If not, well, the military is looking awfully inviting.

Not Much

     Not much. That's all I've really been able to say to people when they ask me what I've been up to. There is probably ten hours throughout each week during which I actually have commitments. The rest is just waiting around. At first it was pretty rad. Wake up late. Stay up late. I got to do what I wanted. But now I would kill to have a job, even if its just to fill in the empty parts of my schedule. I've applied to more places than I can remember ranging from UPS to the NBPD.
     I've had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that, while I'm called not to be idle, however hard I try the opportunities aren't coming. So I'm waiting. And I don't like that so much. But maybe that's the point...

Here and Nouwen

     To be honest, I wasn't a huge fan of the majority of this book. I guess I just wasn't feeling the connection between the author's experiences and my own. He was, or is, a far more emotional person than I am. But with that being said, the idea of living in the present has been weighing on me lately(as my last blog mentioned). And although Nouwen only really focused on that for one chapter, it was exactly what I needed to hear at the time I needed to hear it.
     My life has no direction. This consumes my thoughts. I've been going to college off and on for the last four years without any real purpose. It feels like I'm spinning my wheels. So, to continue the metaphor, I find myself worried about when I'll finally get traction and take off. At the moment I'm unemployed, I dropped out of school again, and I've lost the ability to do the one thing that has always been a constant in my life, sports. There really isn't anything about the present I care to focus on; I'm just waiting for a job, waiting to heal, waiting to move out, waiting for motivation to set in.
     So it's been a struggle to focus on where I am instead of where I want to be. But in doing so I've been more driven to make the most of the little things that happen throughout the day. That's what I've taken away from Nouwen's book more than anything.
     But, unless I missed it, Nouwen forgot one crucial part to living in the moment: where that moment lies in eternity. We were made to last forever. And while Today is all we have, if Today is not viewed in the backdrop of Forever then we've missed the point. I've only ever been motivated by the temporal rewards to what I'm doing. I want a job because I have bills to pay. I want to play volleyball to win and have fun doing it. I want to move out for the freedom. What I should be focusing on is the eternal implications are of my activities. I need to work because My Master says I need to be productive to the society He put me in. I need to play sports to bring glory to The One who gave me the ability to excel at them; my joy  in playing brings Him joy. Every day I have, and every thing I do in that day must be for the right reasons--the everlasting reasons. Unfortunately I'm a bit of an idiot, so God had to physically break me to get me to slow down and realize I had it all wrong.

Satisfaction

     I just watched the Orbiter with Chris and I really like what was said about satisfaction. It is really hard for me to be content with where I am and it seems like I'm always thinking about what's next or what I could have done differently in the past.
     Most of my preoccupation with times outside of the present stems from my desire to make the most of opportunities. But in my attempt to live life fully my mind gets in the way. I look to the past at all the things I wish I had done. I look to the future and worry about missing out. Inevitably I miss the present.

Thoughts?

     So I started to actively participate in church communities and events in the last year or so. Before I was more concerned about my own life to really get involved in others' lives. It's been a pretty cool experience and I can see why God asks us to live life with others rather than going solo.
     That being said I have a bit of a bone to pick with how church culture tends to play itself out. I'm not a fan of the forced feeling that many "fellowship sessions" tend to give off. I understand that if we don't schedule time out to pray and communicate that it probably won't happen; but at the same time I find the best discussions I have with other Christ-followers about the Kingdom happen on their own in a natural setting. Between the many groups and studies I've been attending it's started to feel like a chore.
     Now maybe this is because I'm naturally a little restless and it's hard for me to sit and talk for too long in one place, but sometimes I get tired of all the talking we do. I don't want to sit around and discuss loving others. I want to do it. I don't want to talk for hours about being bold and reaching out. I want to practice it.
     Then again this might just be where I am at the moment. But I really feel like I've been called to throw out all the curriculum and start in on the application.
    

It's Pretty Frustrating

     I'm gonna apologize in advance for yet another post about sports. They've been a big part of my life. They kept me out of trouble in high school. They taught me about hard work and discipline. It brings me great joy to run around and play. Anything. I just want to play.
     Today was the last day of my physical therapy and I've gone through quite a bit of pain to get healthy and I would say my knees are 80%. I dunked for the first time in almost two years today while helping out with the varsity program at Harbor. It was a pretty joyous moment for me. So when I came down on a girl's foot the next play and went home on crutches with a severe high ankle sprain I was pretty bummed.
     Sure it hurt. Sure its a hassle to get around. But more than anything I'm just plain bummed. I miss being able to play.
     I suppose there's a silver lining in the sense that now I won't be tempted to play for the next few weeks and my knees will finish healing. The Lord knows it would take something this drastic to keep me off the court. Maybe He's using it as a teaching method. I don't know. I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason and I can't see where being upset with Him would help anything. But it really took the wind out of my sails.
     I don't have any deep thoughts or anything powerful to say about the podcasts or our discussions this week. And now that I'm reading over the post it sounds super whiny--so sorry about that. It just feels good to type this stuff out.