Wednesday, March 30, 2011

A More Deliberate Idleness

     Last week I typed about how I'm in an awkward in between stage where I don't really have anything to do but wait. The next morning I woke up to an email asking if I was interested in a position at Hoag Hospital as a Lab Assistant in the Microbiology Department. I said yes without hesitation, but fully understanding that my qualifications are...less than existent.
     Both of my phone interviews were atrocious. The HR people actually told me I should never use the answers I gave in any interview--ever. But they still put me through to an in-person interview, which I thought went well. I also learned that if by some miracle they did give me the job, I would be in way over my head.
     So I've been having a very productive, very continuous talk with God about why He's advanced me so far in this interview process, because if one thing is certain, I didn't get this far by merit. And I keep getting this nagging feeling that I have but to ask Him for the position and He'd give it to me. But I haven't. Because if the last few years have taught me anything, it's that I truly have no idea what's best for me. So I'm gonna let Him decide, and if He thinks I'd flourish there--cool. If not, well, the military is looking awfully inviting.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Not Much

     Not much. That's all I've really been able to say to people when they ask me what I've been up to. There is probably ten hours throughout each week during which I actually have commitments. The rest is just waiting around. At first it was pretty rad. Wake up late. Stay up late. I got to do what I wanted. But now I would kill to have a job, even if its just to fill in the empty parts of my schedule. I've applied to more places than I can remember ranging from UPS to the NBPD.
     I've had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that, while I'm called not to be idle, however hard I try the opportunities aren't coming. So I'm waiting. And I don't like that so much. But maybe that's the point...

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Here and Nouwen

     To be honest, I wasn't a huge fan of the majority of this book. I guess I just wasn't feeling the connection between the author's experiences and my own. He was, or is, a far more emotional person than I am. But with that being said, the idea of living in the present has been weighing on me lately(as my last blog mentioned). And although Nouwen only really focused on that for one chapter, it was exactly what I needed to hear at the time I needed to hear it.
     My life has no direction. This consumes my thoughts. I've been going to college off and on for the last four years without any real purpose. It feels like I'm spinning my wheels. So, to continue the metaphor, I find myself worried about when I'll finally get traction and take off. At the moment I'm unemployed, I dropped out of school again, and I've lost the ability to do the one thing that has always been a constant in my life, sports. There really isn't anything about the present I care to focus on; I'm just waiting for a job, waiting to heal, waiting to move out, waiting for motivation to set in.
     So it's been a struggle to focus on where I am instead of where I want to be. But in doing so I've been more driven to make the most of the little things that happen throughout the day. That's what I've taken away from Nouwen's book more than anything.
     But, unless I missed it, Nouwen forgot one crucial part to living in the moment: where that moment lies in eternity. We were made to last forever. And while Today is all we have, if Today is not viewed in the backdrop of Forever then we've missed the point. I've only ever been motivated by the temporal rewards to what I'm doing. I want a job because I have bills to pay. I want to play volleyball to win and have fun doing it. I want to move out for the freedom. What I should be focusing on is the eternal implications are of my activities. I need to work because My Master says I need to be productive to the society He put me in. I need to play sports to bring glory to The One who gave me the ability to excel at them; my joy  in playing brings Him joy. Every day I have, and every thing I do in that day must be for the right reasons--the everlasting reasons. Unfortunately I'm a bit of an idiot, so God had to physically break me to get me to slow down and realize I had it all wrong.